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beast, not beauty

[ website | My Fanfiction (its not that good...) ]
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Hmm... [20 Mar 2006|08:32pm]
[ mood | content ]

I'm pretty happy with my life...

It's nice.

2 beholders| beauty is in the eye of the beholder

New Year's Resolution [01 Jan 2006|03:30pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

As of the past year, I have been a terrible friend. I have alienated all those people I know and love, although I'm not really sure why. I've always been an antisocial person who really hates to go out, put this past year has been worse.

I guess in a sense I could blame this on R. With him, I don't need to put any effort into going out and making/keeping friends. He'll drive himself here, hang, and drive himself home, without any effort on my part. And in the process I've ignored all of my friends. However, I can't blame R, since the truth is I'm just lazy and need to take account for my actions.

So my New Year's Resolution is this: To apologize to and reconnect with the people I've brushed off over the past year.

Unfortunately, this is going to be a hard process. Of course there are some people that you are only casually friends with, and therefore are the easiest to just email and say "Hi!" without any direct explaination to why you are doing so. But then there are people like Cyn, and Lissa, and of course my sister Dana, that will be really difficult, with no guarantee that they will really accept my apology and friendship again.

All I can say is I love them and hope they forgive me when I do try to contact them.

1 beholder| beauty is in the eye of the beholder

[07 Sep 2005|09:55pm]
[ mood | meh ]

Advanced Global Personality Test Results
Extraversion |||| 13%
Stability || 10%
Orderliness |||||||||||| 46%
Accommodation |||||||||| 36%
Interdependence |||||| 30%
Intellectual |||||| 30%
Mystical |||||||||||||||| 63%
Artistic |||| 16%
Religious |||||| 23%
Hedonism |||||||||||| 50%
Materialism |||||||||||||||||| 76%
Narcissism || 10%
Adventurousness || 10%
Work ethic |||||| 23%
Self absorbed |||||||||| 36%
Conflict seeking |||||| 30%
Need to dominate |||| 16%
Romantic |||||||||||||||| 70%
Avoidant |||||||||||||| 56%
Anti-authority |||||||||| 36%
Wealth || 10%
Dependency |||||||||||||||||| 76%
Change averse |||||||||||||||||||| 83%
Cautiousness |||||||||||||| 56%
Individuality |||||||||||| 50%
Sexuality |||||||||||||| 56%
Peter pan complex |||||||||||||||| 70%
Physical security |||||||||||||||| 63%
Physical Fitness |||| 17%
Histrionic |||||||||||||| 56%
Paranoia |||||||||||||||| 70%
Vanity |||||||||||||||||| 76%
Hypersensitivity |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Female cliche |||||||||||||||| 63%
Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com
beauty is in the eye of the beholder

[21 May 2005|12:16am]
[ mood | lost ]

...every time I've been here in the last week, I've wanted to leave, but I'm afraid that if I leave, I'll never come back.

Why am I not happy here anymore?

1 beholder| beauty is in the eye of the beholder

[08 Apr 2005|09:53am]
[ mood | crushed ]

I thought you were the only person I could trust...

...guess I was wrong.

3 beholders| beauty is in the eye of the beholder

...... [17 Mar 2005|09:47pm]
[ mood | bored ]

I am worth $1,724,884.00 on HumanForSale.com

Trust me when I say... that's not very much.

beauty is in the eye of the beholder

[09 Mar 2005|11:40am]
[ mood | depressed ]

Well... it's like this. I refuse to censor my entries, because WTF? This is my journal, with my thoughts, written as bitter and rancid and confusing as they are in my mind. The point of having this journal is so I can rant and rave and hopefully, if I'm lucky, I can work out my issues and be a more centered person. So I'm taking my link down... but if you still have the link to my journal, then be forewarned: What I write isn't pretty. Yes, it probably is about you (whoever you may be) because why would I write about the weather? Yes, it is public, which is why I try to leave out names, but it is public so that if anyone has a pearl of advice or a different viewpoint they can tell me (sometimes, it is so refreshing to have someone you have never met in person comment on your thoughts... their ideas are often so different from yours). So now, on to today's rant!

I hate the lucky ones. I hate the people who find everything so easy and so forthcoming... They hit a rough patch and then "surprise!", the world is even better than it ever was before.

I hate the people who try to placate me, the ones that pity me. I hate those that assure me that I'm perfectly fine the way I am... but that I "could be so much better! Like me!"

I hate those who love themselves, and are selfish and vain because they think they are worth it.

I hate those that ask me to be strong for them, especially when I feel like slitting my wrists.

There are so many people that I hate, and what it comes down to is this:

I probably hate you too.

beauty is in the eye of the beholder

[09 Mar 2005|09:15am]
[ mood | a little weird... ]

Sterbie: my panda says: I love the mercedes and she is awesomely awesome, and all who do not heed shall make me a sad panda and consequently feel my wrath. (panda shows her potato/muscle) I say, Oh little panda, where did your ear go? and then the little panda starts yelling and drinking paint. Bad Panda!

Thanks Stephi. I needed to hear that.

beauty is in the eye of the beholder

[04 Mar 2005|09:59pm]
[ mood | unhappy and tired. ]

Dana lost her iPod mini today. Hope she gets it back... poor Pink Geek.

Um... the Nine Inch Nails/Dresden Dolls tickets are sold out. I'm very sad. Why the fuck did everyone have to fucking weasel out on me? Now I don't get to see 2 of my favorite bands on tour *together*.


beauty is in the eye of the beholder

[24 Feb 2005|12:46pm]
[ mood | MIGRANE!!! ]

I have a fucking migrane that is giving me its all.

In other news, I think I need a break from life.

beauty is in the eye of the beholder

Pretty funny... [12 Dec 2004|01:08am]
[ mood | blah ]

You could be anyone by day, when the only thing that could give you away is the occasional band shirt and all the EBM in your cd collection. You probably have a day job, have alot of other interests besides goth, or are just too lazy to dress up for anything besides a club night. I bet you love 80's music.

What kind of goth are you?

Created by ptocheia

2 beholders| beauty is in the eye of the beholder

[10 Dec 2004|06:32pm]
[ mood | blank ]

Last night I got a little tipsy on sake, which in the long run is always a mistake because liqour *always* makes me a little melancholy.

Anyways, I ended up being a little short when I was at Dana's house, and then I fell asleep with my knees pulled up against my chest.

When Ruben and I got back here he started playing SH4, and I fell asleep again.

Long story short, he spent the night with me.

It was nice (for me, if not for him).

Then today, not even 30 minutes after I got to work, Dave goes:
"So, want a drink? A mixed drink?"
::pointed look from Dave::
::another pointed look::

I ended up drinking a rum and coke with a twist of lime...

And getting tipsy all over again.

beauty is in the eye of the beholder

[06 Dec 2004|01:53pm]
[ mood | lonely ]

I was terrified of pushing him away last night.

You can only spring so much information on a person before there's a total system overload.

And then what would be left for me?

beauty is in the eye of the beholder

[06 Dec 2004|08:55am]
[ mood | angry ]

I should be on my way to sociology class, but here I am cutting classes again.

On Saturday, some of my clothes had begun to fit again.

Today is Monday... and it took me thirty minutes to try on all of my pants only to discover I can't even get most of them to close on my hips.

Not that I've lost weight, but I haven't fucking gained... WHY DON'T MY CLOTHES FIT ANYMORE???

Living is futile.

beauty is in the eye of the beholder

[03 Dec 2004|10:19am]
[ mood | uncomfortable ]

I'm so sorry to let you down again saturnine...

Called in to work today.

I want to just lay around, but both Dana and Kat won't let me. I already promised them that I'd stop by both of their places.

But I don't want to.

beauty is in the eye of the beholder

Panic attacks suck. [03 Dec 2004|08:33am]
[ mood | anxious ]

I hate mornings like these.

I woke up with my heart pounding in my chest. It's been a long time since I've felt this way. Usually, I just wake up and don't want to get out of bed, but that's always been the standard operating procedure for me.

Part of it is that... I don't want to show my face at work. I don't think I can face her. (Yes you.)

I saw you briefly yesterday, and on top of all the other things that are crushing my world, you were there.

You know I love you, but seeing you reaching perfection makes me feel like I am hopeless.

You should be my inspiration, but instead, I'm lying here in bed, with all the time in the world to do something productive with myself, but I'm thinking "what's the point?"

Yesterday, a classmate of mine came up to me and said, "How did you do it? You look so completely different! I remember our freshman year together, and now, this! You inspired me to take control!"

And of course we were in front of a giant, floor to ceiling mirror. (god, typing this makes me want to fling my laptop from the top of my fucking bed).

I didn't know what to say, so I told her that it was nice of her to feel that way, but she could choose a better idol. Someone who actually SUCCEEDS.

Because that wouldn't be me.

beauty is in the eye of the beholder

[02 Dec 2004|05:47pm]
[ mood | bored ]

Figured I'd up the number of public posts I have with a useless quiz! Wooo!

You's a vampire, bi-yatch!
Which Typical Anti-Hero Are You?

brought to you by Quizilla

beauty is in the eye of the beholder

[25 Nov 2004|09:56pm]
[ mood | lonely ]

I'm guessing this will be an aimless rant that I may or may not edit later for clarity. (Knowing how unfocused I am, I probably won't and when I come back to read this a few months from now I probably won't even know what any of these words mean.)

There are things I want, that I lust and feel so needy for.

But they are already mine.

So why, if I already own them, do I feel that they will never be mine?

Speaking in circles, no surprise.

I can't be clearer about what I'm talking about is because I have no fucking idea what the hell that I'm typing up.

Ha. I'm a little tipsy.

And overly stuffed on repulsive holiday food.

i feel so fucking lonely right now.

beauty is in the eye of the beholder

[22 Nov 2004|10:08pm]
[ mood | morose ]

i wish these tears would stop.

but they won't.
beauty is in the eye of the beholder

Stolen... [22 Nov 2004|10:34am]
[ mood | uncomfortable ]

From cm, who stole this from someone else. I really liked the answers.


Your Beauty lies
in Mystery. Captivating, mysterious and alone. You
are the girl in the little
black number that no one seems to know, the eternal
mystery girl. You make it a
point to never let anyone know more about you than
you want them to and do a
very good job of it. You're there one minute and
gone the next leaving them in
wonder of who you really are. A mature and normally
calm individual, quiet and
enjoy spending many hours of the day on your own,
most likely preferring night
to day . You love the dark and some may find you a
bit strange. You seem to be
rather distant and cold making hard for people to
get close to you, though you
probably like the distance they usually keep. You
probably wear make-up, but
concentrate more around your eyes than anything.
You know the effect you have
and enjoy keeping people in wonder.

Some Things
That Represent You:

Dark, Water Animal: Panther Color:
Black, Maroon, Dark
Tones Song: In The Shadows by The Rasmus
Sly Smile

Black Diamond Mythological Creature: Demon,
Vampire Sign:
Scorpio Planet: Venus
Hair Color: Black Eye Color:

"In the shadows for all time."

Where Does Your Beauty Lie? ..::Original Pictures Are Back! Detailed Results::..
brought to you by Quizilla

What surprised me is my sign. I'm strongly influenced by my rising sign which is, no surprise, Scorpio.


I'm not good. At all.
beauty is in the eye of the beholder

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